California Fires And Other Great Comments From Trump

The Trumpty Dumpty Report

   After President Trump returned from his California visit to survey the aftermath of the fires that ravaged communities, he referred to the town of Paradise as the town of Pleasure. When asked where the town of Pleasure was located, he said, “I misspoke. I was remembering my fling with Stormy Daniels when we came to California for a pleasurable time. Anyway, whatsit’ matter? Paradise and Pleasure both start with the letter P, you know what I mean.”

   My plan for California will be really terrific. Fabulous! I’m really, really smart. I will be taking the people waiting for asylum at the Mexico border in Tijuana and giving them, each one, a garden rake because it is my opinion, because I am so, so smart and know more than anyone around The Swamp here in Washington, these forest fires could be stopped by raking up all the sticks, leaves, twigs, and stuff in the forests. Great idea!!! It will be fantastic! I will give anyone who wants asylum a rake. Then, I will put them on a bus and will drive them, hundreds of them, to forests surrounding towns and clean up the area. This should stop those fires from spreading. These fires are bad. Very bad. Very bad fires. Fires are very hot.”

   When the president was asked what he would do with all the huge piles of forest debris after the raking was done, he said, “I will have them carry those piles of debris, huge bags, big bags of stuff back to Mexico because Mexico isn’t going to pay for my border wall!”

   When asked about retired Admiral McRaven’s, a Navy Seal, sharp dope slap of the president for his condemnation of the media and press as being the greatest threat to American democracy, the president responded to the reporter by saying, “Shut up! Shut up! Your two questions were used up last week. You don’t get to ask questions now! You’re fired! I would fire you if I could. Maybe I can. I will write a Presidential Order so I can fire you!! I’m the president and what I say goes!! The press and media, except for FOX News, is the enemy of the people.”

   Another reporter asked, “What do you have to say about Ivanka using her personal email account for both personal and government business, not unlike Hillary Clinton did when Secretary of State. You condemned her for doing so, and asked Russia to find all her lost emails. You would chant at rallies, “Lock her up!” because she did what Ivanka has done today in your White House.”

   Trump answered angrily, “Crooked Hillary is different. She had a real job in the White House, not like Ivanka who is here just for show. She does fake government work and is more focused on making money for herself as a figurehead in the White House as my daughter. And, if she weren’t my daughter, I would ask her out!” [Trump laughs.]